Two certainties in life

 I have never felt so far removed from the idea of spirituality as I have since the passing of my father. As a child I was forced to go to church, literally flogged if there was any hint of objection, and whenever I attended Sunday school I had many questions about the scripture, much to the chagrin of the poor Sunday School teacher. Fast forward to my adult years where as a black woman I began to research my heritage. I learned about people and places that never made it to the history books, and when you consider the role Christianity played throughout black history and culture...it makes you question a couple things. Or at least it should.


So, I began to identify as someone who was spiritual. That's because calling myself spiritual was easier for people to swallow than saying I  wasn't religious. Also, I grew up in a beautiful home with 2 loving parents, I attended the best schools and in an attempt to sound well rounded and grateful (to whoever) I claimed spirituality. I owned that for a while.
And then one day I became acutely aware of the atrocities in the world and all of a sudden my rosy upbringing didn't matter. I removed my own circumstances from the picture and I began to consider (for example)... The way in Jamaica we praise a God who spares our island during  hurricane season but pummels our neighbours in Haiti.

Being a christian however means that one must ignore these circumstances and exist in a perpetual state of blissful narcissism. But I get it, it's a cold world and religion is a warm blanket of mechanisms in which to cope.

Not so long ago I had a conversation with my father. I asked him if he believed in God. He said yes. We were in the dining room sitting at the dining table and I remember being surprised at his answer. That's because daddy was never too keen on going to church, he would go 3 times a year; mother's day, fathers' day and Christmas. I can't remember what triggered the question but this was normal for daddy and I. Random conversations about society, religion, politics, books, TV shows. (we really were the best of friends) Daddy believed in God and that was reassuring to me for some reason. As for myself I'm not sure what I believe in but I know what I feel now, which is nothing. There is a void that has been left in my soul. One day he was here, we spoke, we hugged, we said our I love yous and the next day he was gone. No more emails or phone calls, no more words of encouragement, no more planning for a future that involved him.

I never felt his presence after May 12, 2017. I suppose I should have been able to feel him but I haven't had that feeling of being protected or watched over or the feeling of a presence walking through his room or in the house. I never felt like he was trying to communicate with me in my dreams. It was immediate and final and he was gone and all communication stopped forever.
This has taught me that that there are no spirits.. Therefore no spirituality. We're here and then we're not.

Daddy always said there are two certainties in life; death and taxes. We aren't promised an easy or convenient life, there will be happiness and sadness, life and death. And for those of us left to deal with the loss of a loved one, our life goes on.
I was lucky, I had 33 years with the greatest mentor anyone could ask for and that man was my father.

The person I loved the most in the world transitioned peacefully in his sleep...the way he always said he wanted to go.  Death is a fate certain to every living thing and it is my hope for the sake of our loved ones (and ourselves) that the transition is peaceful after a full, fearless and robust life.

Call me selfish

When properly thought out and evaluated, I believe that kids should be had once you are prepared to always and forever put another person ahead of yourself and right now I love me some me time. I love the freedom of not having any major responsibility. I love coming home, taking a shower and finding a good hoarding or intervention program  to kick my feet up to at the end of the day. I don't have to worry about ironing uniforms (other than my own), preparing lunches (other than my own), or even future college tuitions (other than my own). My only focus is ME. And for right now i love that. Of course id love to see what my offspring would look like and what type of human they'll be, but God willing i'll have a few more years to prepare before I meet them. Besides securing my career, and stabilizing my finances, my goal in another year is to backpack across Europe...that may be a tad difficult with a toddler attached. I'd also like to be able to take my kids to Niagra Falls and Euro Disney and Madamme Tussaud's the way my parents were able to take  my brother and I. Ohhh the struggle me and my poor lil baby would have to endure at this very moment. not to mention they're gonna need the coolest gadgets and the latest shoes and insurance and all kinds of shit. I can barely afford the gas for my car let alone furnish another human being with all sorts of trimmings. Kudos to the parents out there taking care of their kids..many without any help too! Keep up the good work! I'm just not ready to commit to all that right now...call me selfish.

The Follow Through

We all have them, (perhaps we are them) that friend who once they start telling you their plans, you automatically roll your eyes. Maybe it's a subconscious thing, all you know is that person has no follow through; they talk the talk but rarely walk the walk. Perhaps it's not even their fault. Lots of times we have the best of intentions and brilliant ideas and all we want to do is shout it from the roof tops. However, the best thing we can do sometimes, and this goes for everyone, is keep those ideas to ourselves and work on them in solitude. There is an awesome quote from the novel The Alchemist which says; "When you possess great treasures within you, and try to tell others of them, seldom are you believed". My take from this, and this may sound harsh, is don't dream out loud. It's human nature to doubt. And only speaking of grandiose ideas, especially if you have a history of doing so, creates doubt in the minds of others. Their doubt will only discourage and dishearten you. Instead, if you must get them out, grab a pen and paper, or reach for your phone and write your thoughts and ideas down. Develop them, have a plan, start working toward it before you start sharing your goals and dreams with everyone else.

Once you start to believe that you truly have the ability to do anything you put your mind to and set out to achieve your goals, the tune of the naysayers will change.  It could be something as simple as talking about starting the gym. Quit talking about it and just do the damn thing already! We don't need anyone's approval anyway. Grow some cojones and start doing sh!t on your own.  Our word is all we have, so if you say you're gonna do something you probably should follow through. Remember no one likes a flake! 

And for those of us with friends who show no follow through, start encouraging. Stop the eye rolling.

                                                               

My Chemical Romance

I'll admit, everyone around me has started making me feel a little guilty about liking my relaxed hair. From those youtubers who demonstrate how they beautifully maintain their natural hair texture to girls I know who have cut off their relaxed hair and have begun the transition to natural. Truthfully, for the past 2 years I've had somewhat of an internal conflict once the time to relax my hair draws nigh. To creme or not to creme is the question I ask myself before ultimately relinquishing and relaxing. Explaining this to one of my best friends, she asks "Ten, don't you think that by us relaxing our hair we hide from our true identity. Don't you think we're trying to be, white?" and even likened the act to someone who bleaches their skin... I gasped! She stared blankly. The audacity of her to compare the use of chemicals to alter the hair's texture to that of someone who uses chemicals to alter their skin's pigmentation... Wait, what!? Can both really be compared?  Are we really attempting to pursue a more Anglo-Saxon appearance? This thought  startled me. To think this is what some people may perceive hair relaxing as, after all, for a person to bleach their skin they must hate being black. Right? Personally, I've never felt that by relaxing my hair I was hiding my true identity or making myself "less black". I have always viewed it simply as a coping mechanism. It makes my hair and life a little more manageable. Point blank. Period.  I'm fully aware of who I am on the inside, and isn't that what really counts anyway? No amount of procedures, chemical or otherwise could ever alter anyone's heritage.

Hair is versatile, it is an extension of how we feel on any particular day. And today, I think I'll continue to pursue a relationship with my relaxer. Although a year from now I may very well be au naturel. Who knows. As for  individuals who bleach their skin, liken them to the tribe in Asia who blacken their teeth or the African clan who paint their bodies in red clay. We don't get it. And probably never will. In their communities however, I'm sure there are others looking on with admiration in their eyes. In some way or the other the common thread linking everyone in every walk of life is the need to feel accepted and to belong.  Some pursue more "extreme" measures than others but at the end of the day everybody wants to put their best face forward.   Is there a concept more fluid and more relative than that of beauty anyway? I can't think of one. Who are we to judge the methods anybody uses to make themselves more beautiful. Live and Let Live! Opa!